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Do you ever feel like you're just a mom? Do the daily demands and tasks, let alone the roller coaster of hormonally infused emotions, leave you feeling lost? Exhausted? Wandering?
The demands of a mom, if she's not also employed, self-employed or side hustling, are like having 2.5 full-time jobs.
When my kids entered their preteen years and my identity as a mom shifted to something new, I didn't feel like I was needed as much. Feelings aside, the fact is that l was still very much needed, it was just a different type of need I had to learn to navigate.
It can feel like we're stuck in survival mode from all the demands. In our family's case, neurodiversity was also thrown into the mix, including my own unexpected, and at the time, undiagnosed ADHD.
It felt like I was hearing,
"Welcome to the Hot Mess Express,
buckle up and hang on for dear life."
Thankfully we don't have to camp out in survival mode. There are ways to tend to our hearts as we navigate the hormones and our children’s differentiation, while still being the mom they need us to be in this season. Our hearts can be prepared to better navigate the path to empty-nesting.
When our kids begin to become more independent, it's natural as a mom to feel left behind as we desperately try to hold on to the same connection we’ve had with them. They are often testing boundaries and pulling in the opposite direction as hard as possible. Fear of what could happen to them led me to unknowingly idolize motherhood. As I realized this was only just the beginning of our transition toward empty nesting, I also realized I needed to differentiate almost as much as my kids, for everyone’s sake.
Before we go any further, let me share that there is hope! Now that my kids are young adults, I can attest that the hormones will settle, and the prefrontal cortex will develop. We can have a wonderful new kind of relationship with our adult children beyond the hormones and roller coaster rides.
But how do we navigate the differentiation years between puberty to young adulthood?
How do we survive, yet also prepare ourselves for the empty nest?
It's not only about survival my friend. We can thrive and set a healthy example of resiliency and growth for our children as we navigate and prepare our minds, bodies and souls for the empty nest.
Here are 4 transformational ways you can thrive while preparing your heart for the empty nest:
1. Identify what you can control.
When things get heated, do you take time to thoughtfully respond, or are you more inclined to react in the moment? When things seem out of control, it’s vital to understand we can control ourselves and our response. Our children are inevitably going to test the boundaries we set for our home and family. Expect it and be prepared to take a breather and assess before you respond. By taking the time to consider what is underneath the presenting issue, we may not only respond better, but doing so will also set a healthy example for not reacting impulsively to life’s situations. Allowing time to process and respond will create space for communication and develop trust with our teens so they can come to us with the hard things.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the
Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9 NIV
2. Recognize the codependency of over-identifying with your roles.
It's not hard to become codependent. Any roles we take on in life, wife, mom, homemaker, volunteer, employee or beyond, can become idols if we allow.
How do we recognize this?
When our inner peace and joy feel like they depend upon the circumstances and people around us, it's time to examine where we may be pouring into those roles out of our unmet needs that go much deeper than the role itself.
I coveted the role of motherhood from a struggle with PCOS and infertility, at an even deeper level than I understood. Because of that experience, for a time I over-identified with motherhood at a level that neglected other relationships, including that with myself. I placed myself on the bottom of the list and neglected self-care, which ultimately affected all aspects of my health and wellness.
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
John 15:4 NIV
3. Affirm your worth.
We are so much more than just moms! Our worth is not attached to any role, but is inherent, a core foundation of who we are. When we can understand how we are created with our gifts, personalities and talents, combined with our experiences and our natural bent toward certain values, we can begin to peel back the layers of fear, insecurity and comparison to find our true-self as God created us.
When we understand that we are each created as a unique reflection of God for the lives we touch, the path ahead becomes clearer and we can more easily discern and focus on the best of what is being placed before us. We're less likely to be distracted.
Even the things we consider good
can be a distraction from God’s best.
I've struggled with my worth throughout my life. When I left my career to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschooler, I transferred my over-identification with my job into being a mom, wife, teacher and wanna-be-housekeeper. I was trying to be all the things to find my worth, but I was stretched unsustainably thin. It wasn’t until I embraced my inherent worth as an image bearer of Christ that I began to heal.
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Luke 12:6-7 NIV
4. Self-care is not selfish!
Taking the time to adequately nourish our body, mind and soul is an investment in ourselves and in the lives of those we touch. We must take time for self-care, especially in a season of the changes that come as our kids differentiate from us and we prepare for the empty nest.
There is a natural grieving that happens when our role as mom transforms into a new expression. Self-care can help us through the process, while allowing us the bandwidth to see and embrace the hope that is ahead of us in the new season.
Quiet time, movement, nutrition, hydration and rest are often the last things on our minds, but are the vital things we should be nurturing first. When we embrace self-care, we can then pour into others from a place of fullness instead of lack. We can also be more discerning with our choices, embracing a ‘holy no' to those opportunities and situations that may seem good and worthy, but aren't the best of what God has planned for us.
I had to learn to lovingly enforce boundaries around my need for self-care. Being a natural people-pleaser and helper, this was a challenging mindset shift. My inclination is to be a giver, but the giver can’t give if she’s drained dry! Put yourself first in some way each day. Yes, you’re busy with all the things, but those things will come much easier if you’ve spent even just a few minutes on some way of caring for yourself in the process.
Start small. A few minutes of quiet time, deep breathing, exercise, or even a hot shower can change the trajectory of your day. We can go from draining exhaustion at the day's end to a tiredness that carries with it a level of satisfaction at having done our best from a place of being true to our most authentic self.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your true and proper worship.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2 NIV
Our kids are watching and learning from us, even and most especially when they won't admit it. What better example for a healthy adulthood than to do our own inner work in these areas? Let them see us grow and become more resilient so they can be equipped to do the same as they become adults.
Precious mom, give yourself some grace for where you are in the process and allow yourself time to explore these steps deeply to bring more peace and calm into your life. In so doing, you’ll not only survive, but you can thrive throughout the teenage years and be more prepared for the next transition into the empty nest.
Where do you struggle most in these teen/pre-empty nesting years? Or, are you already empty nesting and have a word of encouragement to share? Jump into the comments below and let's start the conversation.
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